My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
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A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!