My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
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Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
also my go-to takeaway order
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.