My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
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OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Unexpected Judgment
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee