my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
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*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Mornin. * use accordingly
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Breaking news:
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao