My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
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Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭