My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
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Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.