@slimmy_shady: My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
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@Playing_Dad: [At dinner] Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat? Me: Probably like 90% D: So it's 10% balls? Me: *spits out food*
@timdonakowski: I should've been a sniper. They get to lie around all day and hardly lift a finger.
@sip_at_home_mom: My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.