@slimmy_shady: My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
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@Haha_No_Mofo: My doctor told me, "DON'T mix this medicine with alcohol or you could wake up somewhere naked with a monkey on your arm." CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
@jwalkonthemoon: It's stupid that "girl" and "world" are rhymed together so much in songs when "squirrel" is right there for the taking.
@slimmy_shady: I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you're swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
@StellaRtwot: I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can't find me drinking in the closet.