My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
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My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
my mom making me talk to relatives
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Tastes like chicken.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
Rt to bother an English speaker
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.