My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
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My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Cool shirt 🙂
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Some people were born into their job.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues