*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
You Might Also Like
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream