6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
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[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell