My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
You Might Also Like
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Current mood: Potato
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”