My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
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Can we not just call it Zealand now?
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.