“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
You Might Also Like
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
The human personality is made of five key elements
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.