She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
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If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.