My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
You Might Also Like
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home