@ConanOBrien: My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids' faces when the snakes start to hatch.
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@BitchyJasmine: Bob: Women always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
@CopBroughtPizza: and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about...MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN'T SEE YOU THERE
@Sassafrantz: Becky on FB is "too blessed to be stressed" so I told her that I slept with her boyfriend.
@Death_Buddy: FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER. PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.