There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
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Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
Who did it better?
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Word!
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this