My typo game is string.
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A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
#FunnyLife Insects
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?