I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
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in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
The internet is full of many things
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.