My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
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Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
cats when you pet them too long:
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda