[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
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genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.