When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
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ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad