My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
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Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.