My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
You Might Also Like
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
6: are snakes just neck?
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.