My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
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Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):