ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
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Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”