@TylerLinkin: My uncle was a world-famous chainsaw juggler. For one show.
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@fro_vo: Doctor: you're never too old to start exercising Me: cool thanks i'll start in maybe like 15 years then
@GoldenSpirals: Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
@AristotlesNZ: Cop failed me on the sobriety test even tho I not only touched my nose like he asked but went on & totally nailed the rest of the macarena.
@GFGander: People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system. "You have one new voicemail from... *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd"