@TylerLinkin: My uncle was a world-famous chainsaw juggler. For one show.
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@HatfieldAnne: The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
@DurtMcHurtt: [girlfriend in a coma] *leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me...where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
@robdelaney: Why aren't these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don't they want to get better?
@daemonic3: Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys? *starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*