My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
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I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
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Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me: