IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
You Might Also Like
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Not today
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers