@WGladstone: My upstairs landlord asked if screams were coming from my apt or if she was dreaming. Either way, one of us has a terrifying neighbor.
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@Firawesome: I told you I'm busy! Who are you going to believe, me or the last 20 tweets I posted?
@daemonic3: [heaven's IT department] Ok, I see why your computer's crashing. Have you been closing doors again? God: Yes, why? Too many open windows
@KingRainhead: date: i had fun tonight me: me too me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face* me: that's how slugs kiss
@AGStr8upNinja: If only people were named after their tattoo's. This guy standing in front of me in Petro Canada Would be named Machine gun-Snake-Jesus.