Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
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me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
the simulation is moving too fast