My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
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customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
“Huge”.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!