This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
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*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head