My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
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[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.