Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
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I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Love thy neighbor’s dog
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.