@_CherriAnn_: My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can't carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
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@Kathleen_McGee: The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren't drinking for a while & they think you're getting your shit together
@MarfSalvador: Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes! My wife: Yeah, like his dad Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
@daemonic3: Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don't realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
@Sickayduh: Me: Did you know that a woman's voice gets higher when she's attracted to a man? Her: *batman voice* I have a boyfriend