My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
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Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.