My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
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I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed