My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
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{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.