“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
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How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Who does Amazon think I am?
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
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