@mattgallo123: My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
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@stephenjmolloy: "It's beautiful today. Let's work outside." *5 mins later* "This was a terrible idea." *more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
@decentbirthday: *dancing with the stars* *all of a sudden there's a fault in our stars* me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this! *star wars*
@RideSallyRide69: The definition of Irony: Your job sucks Your kids suck Your life sucks Your wife...doesn't
@MartaEffing: *leaning seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop* Me: how much for the entire case? Donut shop clerk: ma'am, $8.99 a dozen