@mattgallo123: My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
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@primawesome: Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I'm freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
@dave_cactus: HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together! TOTO: There's nothing that 100 men or more could ever do. HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
@Vice_Queen: Boss: You're late! M: It's 6.30am B: You start at 6am! M: I know but that's just crazy. This is better for me. And now we wait for HR.
@Eightinchgoat: Sorry I tried to strengthen my immune system by asking your wife to breast feed me.