My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
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When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
i’m sure it’s fine
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Bout to have the best sleep of my life