My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
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God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”