@jctwritesstuff: My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
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@Cali_Kid_Mike: So this smoke detector is trying to tell me the battery is so dangerously low that it can only beep 4000 times?
@TheCatWhisprer: The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
@ArfMeasures: [Me as a hairdresser] ME: What do u think of your haircut HER: I need more volume ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
@sixfootcandy: Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight. Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day. Me: They’re vitamins!