My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
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ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Why is everyone getting married at me