Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
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If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
welp
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead