Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
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Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.