My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
You Might Also Like
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”