My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
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*seductively peels off lederhosen
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…