I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
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Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.