Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
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5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.