@Smiilze: My welcome mat says, "Oh shit! Not you again!"
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@jergarl: Wife:Did you take ambien last night? Me: *recalls riding a unicorn that's on fire* No, why? W:The dog's wearing a saddle and she's orange.
@CelebrityChez: Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, your pets in tupperware, your grandad in a crockpot and your mother in law in a ziplock bag.
@bobvulfov: CRIMINAL: *holding me up at gunpoint* do u want to die today motherfucker ME: i mean kinda C: jesus, is everything ok man?
@RtrJan: My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.