My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
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Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
$4 #usedbooks
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.