my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
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I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.