My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
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If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh