My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
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What in the hipster hell is going on here
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?