My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
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“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”